Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
