This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
