Swine flu. Run for my life!
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize