Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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