he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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