I wannas sexs uuuuu
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
