woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
