Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
