apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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