names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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