i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
