Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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