I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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