you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
