I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
