I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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