If i come over, it means nothing
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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