Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
