I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
