dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
