between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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