i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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