Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
