Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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