I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
a search helicopter?!
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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