im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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