and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
