You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
