made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
