So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
