I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
