she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Vodka?
Forever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
