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Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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