Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
