splinters make it hard to masturbate
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
