We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
