I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
