I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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