dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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