i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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