So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
