Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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