How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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