her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize