I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
