I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
