Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
