Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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