so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
