Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
