woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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