im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
