My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
