I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
