i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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