do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
