Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
